I Wish...

I love a musical called Into the Woods. It takes Rapunzel, Cinderella, Jack and the Beanstalk, and Little Red Ridding Hood and combines them all together into a singing, dancing, comedic extravaganza. The title song has each of the characters explaining their wish. At the end of the first act they all  had received their wish and you would think they would be happy, but you know there is a second act…

There are days when I feel like I’m at the beginning of the play and I am just wishing. Last week I was having dinner with my sister and a wonderful friend (K) when my niece started dancing and singing. When she got tired she snuggled up to my sister’s side, gave her great big hug and said “I love you”. I couldn’t help it, I broke down and cried. When asked why I was crying I said “I will never have this”. They both looked at me as if I had grown 2 heads.


Even though as an infant she loved being held (and swaddled in her green kiki) she never wanted to face in when I was carrying her, she always had to face out. At the time I thought it was because she wanted to see everything, now I wonder, was it just that she didn’t want her face touching my shirt? Was there a tactile issue even then? My niece loves to play with stickers and have her face painted. MAC almost RUNS in the opposite direction of stickers, stamps, glue, or paint.


I was wishing for a hugger. I was wishing for an outgoing child who likes going to stores with me. I was wanting scrap books filled with pictures of butterfly’s on cheeks and big smiles. I wanted art work for the art box that was more than just pencil on paper.


My sister told me that she has always admired me for accepting people just as they are in that minute, not how they could or would be "with help".  K told me she thought I was the perfect mother for MAC because I had the patience to explain things.  As I tried to explain my tears I said, "Yes, but I accept people they way they are because MAC has taught me to. And I had to learn the patience because we always have to go over and over everything!"  It was like the proverbial light bulb went off above my head!

Last Tuesday when I was crying over the things I didn’t have, I’m glad I had to talk about why, so that I could realize just how far we have come.  I have come to look for the small things:  a laugh at a joke here, or a Mona Lisa smile for a picture there.  Thursday evenings we sit and watch Glee together.  Although she sits as far away from me on the couch as possible every once in a while she'll let me touch her foot.  I now see each step forward as a wish, even if it wasn't something I would have thought I'd want to wish for!